Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
