Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
