I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
