I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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