***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
