My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
