my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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