I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
