I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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