I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
