I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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