either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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