Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
