i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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