so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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