i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
