I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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