Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
