i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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