She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
