wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
