I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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