this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.