nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
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They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
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Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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