Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
