im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?