Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.