He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
