Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
