i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
