just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
