If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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