Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
