I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
