I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
