I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
