Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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