I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
