i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
