You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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