Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Fuck me I smell like cheese
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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