textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
