I met the friendliest cop last night
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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