mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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