i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
