i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
