im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
