just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't deserve a penis
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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