You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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