I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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