you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
