got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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