Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
