Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
