1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
honey bunches of taint.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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