he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
