Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
