Im at strip club and am horny
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think your dad took our porno
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
