she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?