So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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