Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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