you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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